Right now I am…..livid…
I got a message today on the parenting app from CJ. Apparently the PHP therapist had called him instead of me, and told him that Fay was still having suicidal thoughts. The therapist recommended removing any sharp objects or items she could hang herself with and to not leave her by herself over the weekend. He said since me and him are the only ones she confides in, it had to be me or him who was with her over the weekend.
I responded to him, asking if the therapist had mentioned attempting to contact me, because I hadn’t recieved any calls, and I would double check to make sure they had the correct contact information.
He came back with, “They have contacted me, I dont know if they tried to contact you. I wanted to add that in this situation she probably shouldnt be left with her grandma (his mom) as her temper flares up and I think there’s a higher chance of her doing something.”
I’m not disagreeing that Fay gets angry and frustrated with her grandmother. That’s a certainty. Her grandmother is an immigrant (language can sometimes be an issue), raised old school, and is the most hovering helicopter grandparent in the world. Fay gets frustrated and irritable easily. So yes, they both get angry and feed off each other. But….that’s not depression. Rage and depression are two different things. And if CJ had spent even half a second parenting Fay over the last ten years he would know that when she’s angry or in a rage, she does not want to hurt herself. Destroy things? Yup. Kick walls and doors? Seen that. Scream horrible things at us for hours? *shrug* I’ve been there. But hurt herself? No. She only wants to do that when she’s sad, lonely, or overwhelmed with anxiety.
I called Fay and asked her about what she was feeling at the PHP. She said she’s been feeling really overwhelmed with the other kids there asking a lot of questions about her and why she’s there. She said it wasn’t suicidal thoughts, but rather NSSI (non-suicidal self-injury) thoughts. Self-harming and suicidal thoughts are on the same spectrum, but still very different. I talked to her about making sure to voice if she needed a break from the other kids and that its ok to tell them she’s feeling overwhelmed. We talked about what coping skills she used to keep herself safe (drawing) and I asked if she was still feeling that way or if it passed. She said it had passed and she was feeling ok now. Of course, I also took steps to make sure she’s safe while I’m at work, I enlisted her grandma (CJ’s mom), my boyfriend Abe, and my own mom to be at the house whenever I’m gone. Multiple adults, multiple eyes, plenty of love and attention for Fay. All good things.
None of this is why I’m angry. It’s annoying that CJ presumes to tell me what I need to do for our daughter, that he somehow thinks we’re on the same level in parenting skills and emotional closeness with Fay. It disgusts me that he kinda tossed his own mom under the bus when she’s the person that primarily cares for the children when they are with him for visitation. But no….I’m not angry…yet
So, me and Fay chat a bit about her PHP, and then she says. “I tattled on dad today.” I was confused. CJ’s a pretty shitty dad, but I didnt know of anything that he’s done that’s tattle-worthy. “Uuuuh, what did dad do?” She paused and said, “You know, about the me not being worth caring about thing.”
He said what now?
“Dad said I wasnt worth caring about and nobody cares about me.” She said it so matter of factly. Like, hey, dad told me the sun comes up in the morning. My heart broke for her. This young woman who has had so many struggles because of her disorders. So many lost friendships, risky mistakes, and bullying from her peers. CJ knows that Fay had kids at her last school tell her she should die, that she was worthless, that nobody loved her or cared about. And he tells her that?
I actually cried, right on the phone with her. I told her I was sorry he had said that. And she told me, “Its ok mom, it’s not your fault.” I told her that her dad was wrong to say that to her, his brain is sick and that she should ignore the mean things he says because they arent true. I told her I love her so so much, and I care.
I texted Abe before I called Fay and told him not to leave her alone at all tonight. He’s been with me through every step of her treatment, so he knew what was up. Without even knowing about our conversation he told Fay, “We’re hanging out tonight buddy!” And when she asked why, he told her “Because I care. I want you safe and happy.”
I find it insane that the two “parents” in her life that actually care and are there for her the most are me and Abe. Her two non-biological parents. God, she got the short end of the stick on bio parents.
Her bio mom, Karen, was bad enough. But CJ, being the parent who was there and witnessed everything Fay has gone through, and still treats her like crap and says some messed up bullshit like that….
I feel overflowing anger and hatred towards him right now. I haven’t said anything or responded to his message in the parenting app because I dont think I have the capacity right now to be as cordial or polite as I’m expected to be by the courts.
I want to strangle him. I want to string him up by his feet and pour boiling oil over him. I want to strap him to a bed and leave him in a dark room with nothing but his empty empty thoughts until he rots. I want God to smite him with fire and pestilence!
Luckily for him, I’m not ruled by my baser urges. Instead, I’m going to tell my daughter as much as I can that I love her and care about her. I’m going to keep getting her the help she needs to manage her disorders. I’m going to continue to be the sane parent who shows up and has her back and loves her unconditionally. And maybe, just maybe one day karma will come take a big bite out of CJ’s ass for me.